Choosing Celibacy, And When To Let It Go
Choosing to be celibate wasn’t a conscious choice, until it was.
At first I wasn’t ready to be intimate with a man, because quite frankly no men had interested me enough to even have a private or intimate conversation, let alone been interesting or enlightened enough to enter my bedroom.
I wasn’t interested in having empty and meaningless conversations, so if they were not on the menu, then empty and meaningless relations with a man were certainly not up for grabs.
Being single and celibate for what is coming up for six years, I have had to contemplate many things, especially as I opened up my heart to the possibility of romantic love being in my life again.
I have the love of self, the love of my children, and the love of friends, as well as an insatiable love of life, which includes my business, travels and my education.
For a man to capture my attention and hold it for any period of time, other than if it is about business or books, which luckily for me are one and the same thing, says a lot about him.
For me to consider giving up my celibacy says even more; but what if I get it wrong?
What if the dopamine effect, his sweet talking words and ability to charm me knocks me sideways and I give up my celibacy for him, only to have him ghost me?
An asshole he would be, massively, especially as he would know about what I have been through, and what me giving up my celibacy would mean.
But that’s the thing, isn’t it?
Being able to trust myself to trust my own intuition about someone, to trust their words are not lies, and trust that they are not just looking to conquer the celibacy I have held onto so dearly to.
And hold it dearly I have.
It is mine.
My honour.
My right to chose.
My sovereignty.
So to have a man see it as a challenge, or to manipulate me with words, gestures and attention, and then get it and ghost me, just doesn’t work for me.
It is a betrayal of trust, and deeply disrespectful.
A deep dishonouring of the trust built between the two of us.
It is cowardly, selfish and shows a very distasteful side to their persona.
It shows characteristics of a sexual predator, a player, which are one and the same thing.
So how will I know if it is right to give up my celibacy?
And how will I feel afterwards?
Will I grieve for what was once held so dearly with love and sovereignty?
Or grieve for a part of myself which kept me safe, like a self imposed chastity belt of protection.
I didn’t choose celibacy for health reasons, nor religious reasons.
I didn’t even choose it. In some ways, it chose me.
For those of you who have been reading this blog from the beginning, you will know the darker reasons for my choice.
And that’s the thing about giving up my celibacy, I have to trust the man at his word that he will not dishonour my choice, that he will be respectful, and not just see me as another conquest on his bed post.
To give up my celibacy will require me to be in a trusted relationship with a guy, to feel deep desire for him on all levels.
But what if I fail to hold back, and the dopamine effect is too much and I weaken in his presence?
Will I have dishonoured myself, and this beautiful gift of celibacy I have given myself over the last 5 and a bit years?
What if, my list of non-negotiables, are all ticked, and then I find out that he has lied to me?
I wasn’t able to detect the lies of my husband of eighteen years, with his constant cheating.
(How he could keep the lies and deceit from so many people, for so many years, shows just how corrupt his soul is).
People are so good at lying these days, are actually encouraged and forced to lie about things that lying has become second nature to so many.
How deep will the grieving be, if it happens at all?
And how will I feel afterwards if said man doesn’t stick around?
Will I feel dirty, ashamed and violated all over again?
Will I ever be able to trust another man again?
To be gifted entrance into the divine portal of a woman is a sacred gift so many men have learnt to take for granted — because so many women do not honour themselves.
All I know is that should I ever give up my celibacy for a man, I will have considered it so carefully, especially being the overthinking overachiever that I am.
It will be the main topic of focus, which will distract me from my work and my study, so he had better be worth it.
And let’s just say I do give it up for him, and then he bolts, will I be able to forgive myself for making such a grave error in judgement?
Or will I see it as a moment in time that it felt right in the weeks, months and moments leading up to it, and it was meant to happen as it happened?
I do know though, that if I gift a man the moments of breaking my celibacy with him, and he walks away, I will have a lot of deep diving into my soul to do,
And WILL find it hard to trust another man AND myself for a long time to come.
Perhaps, I will give up on romantic love altogether and just continue on my own solo journey for the rest of my days.
Only time will tell, either way, if I can be single and celibate for almost 6 years once, you can bet I can do it again — and the next time, the walls of defence will be stronger, deeper and higher, almost to the point of being impenetrable.
Being a single, successful and sovereign woman who chooses celibacy is becoming increasingly popular, and is offending a lot of men, just like this article on my blog from a couple of years ago.
I was told I was dismissing guys and treating them as dogs, that I was intimidating, and their reactions proved that celibacy shaming is really triggering for those who have their own rejection wounds which need healing.
The men in question who told me I was dismissing guys, intimidating them and treating them as dogs were not men I would have ever considered for a partner, of any kind, so their opinions do not really bother me.
They did however show me a side of men which I have addressed with my two young adult sons.
These men only got a seat at my table because we we all staying in a co-living space, a space where I kept myself very much to myself.
My choice to be celibate is simply that.
My choice.
It is not about anyone other than me, and should I chose to let it go, or keep hold of it, will always be about me.
And like I say, if I give it up, then I would have made the choice and assessment that he must be a very special man indeed.
